Angel

This was possibly the most rewarding Christmas ever.  After three of possibly the most insane work weeks of my life where I was pulling continuous 12-14 hour-days which included cameos at the New Jersey Federal Building first thing in the morning, a 40-page brief, a 276 page submission to a USCIS officer, endless asylum applications and four cases I brought home to work on, I seriously made a promise to myself that on Christmas, I would just sit at home, eat, play with my dogs and read nothing.  I actually forbade myself off of books, even when I wanted to crack one open.  "No Tina!  Don't do that."  Go watch Netflix, your brain needs a break.

I can barely describe how radically my life has changed in the past four months, let alone past four years.  For one thing, I could not pass the NY State Bar for almost two years.  That's two years of being in my mid-30s, still living at home with my parents and trying to pass that damned thing.  Internally, I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I was scared.  The field of Law scared me.  Such high rates of substance abuse and depression, why would I go into that voluntarily?  Hadn't I gone through an almost permanently crippling depression and insomnia in my 20s?  Why on EARTH would I kill myself to pass an exam so I could jump right into that again?  No thank you.  Paralegal life seemed just fine for me, thanks.  Even serving tables seemed more appealing.  What better place for a foodie/socialite than at a restaurant?  But of course, God had other plans.  No matter how I resisted, through a series of interesting life events, I was placed under the conditions where I could face my fears, buckle down and finally pass.

Literally three seconds later it felt like, and through endless prayers to God to ask where I could be used best, I became a practicing Immigration Attorney in New York City.  It almost felt ordained because it happened so fast and I had barely even time to think right after I got sworn in.  After a first round of interviews, I landed a job at a firm that had been following me for a year to see if I had finally passed the Bar.  When I did, everything fell into place almost instantly and I got a job offer.  I left my home, my beloved dogs, moved into a converted garage in Queens and work insane hours all day long to fight for my clients who are mostly poor and undocumented.

My job is very intense, but I know that somewhere in my heart, I enjoy it or else I would not dedicate my spare time to making sure my cases are on the right track.  And on the days when I feel overwhelmed and literally begin to gag from exhaustion, I invoke Kimberly L. Smith and I think about her book, Passport Through Darkness, and how she left everything behind, her husband, her children, all her first-world comforts to live in the Sudan and start an orphanage there.  Because that's what God asked her to do.  And there were days in that book where all she could feel was exhaustion and futility as children literally died left and right in her arms.  But she kept at it.  Because she had asked God, where would he like to use her and through a series of serendipitous life events, she got sent to the Sudan. No matter what.  No matter how difficult it was, how unlivable the conditions were, how often she lost the ones she loved, she stayed and remained passionate and committed to her calling.  And she still remains.

That my friends, is the Lord's work.  And, okay, it sucks to live without my dogs for the time-being and yes, I don't have real windows in my converted garage/apartment but it's NYC, not war-torn Sudan.  And I press forward with the words of Mary Previte burned in my mind: "if you take care of the things that are dear to God. He will take care of the things dear to you."  I have never seen this more evident than in the past four months.  For example, since I'm on a first-year Associate's salary in the lovely world financial capital/money black hole of NYC, money has been a little tight. Yes, I get to go to my favorite dirty eating spots in Flushing which I love once in a while but I'm definitely not living the Manhattanite life of happy hours and swanky brunches.  My saving grace is that I know how to cook and I live close to Aldi's.  However, since I have come to New York, some expenses are non-negotiable.  I need to come home to Buffalo at least once a month to check on my dogs, they are expensive.  They need food, medical attention, toys etc.  I've been putting off Huey's annual vet visit for months now.  And my mother tells me that he has an ear infection.  I've started to save but it's never enough.  But not a problem I tell myself, not a problem, God will provide.  

So this year, because I'm a new associate, I didn't get a bonus.  But my managing boss has been there when I have stayed well into the evening calling my clients, writing letters on their behalf, doing endless hours of research for their cases, fighting hard for them.  So instead of a bonus, I got a Christmas card that my boss swore was not from him but from his pit bull rescue that he always brings to work all the time, Angel.  I love this damned dog.  She brightens my day every time I see her.  Just her presence alleviates the pain of not being able to have Huey or Kumo with me and not being sure when God will find it appropriate for me to bring them.  Anyway, so my boss says it's from Angel, I thank him and open the card to find a nice little bonus on an American Express gift card.  Much needed.  I almost cry, now I can take Huey to the vet and make sure their food and needs are covered for the next few months.  I've been killing myself to make sure that my clients who have gone through their own life tragedies, have at least a fighting shot to get their cases resolved.  And low and behold, Angel swoops in and helps me get my beloved fur-babies sorted.  The irony is not lost on me that this is a gift from an Angel.  Once again, "if you take care of the things that are dear to God.  He will take care of the things dear to you."  

No matter how tired, I begin to tell myself that I can face whatever work I'm dealing with and with the grace of God, I've been able to do it so far.  And the supposed onslaught of depression and insomnia?  Well, when I can, I actually sleep better in NYC.  God can be funny and I guess, all he asks is that I work hard and keep my eyes on him and he'll take care of the rest.  It's not my battle, I'm just supposed to show up and work hard.  And despite everything,the truth of the matter is, I am blessed and so lucky.  So lucky.  No complaints.  Forever grateful.